I Think I Tried…

I begin to reflect on how and when I got here. Yes, love was my conclusion. The feelings of peace, understanding, personal growth, and professional growth. I started to count the years, and I couldn’t believe how many years I have been trying. Then I realized how loved I am.

I see it in her. I see so much love I have in me, in her. It isn’t easy to feel proud and name your own greatness, but I see it in her. It was that moment I realized that I mean so much more to myself, and I owe myself love. It was when my mom said to me, “You will need her.” And at that time, I thought I understood… but now I do.

It gets really challenging being everything to myself and everything around me. I mean, a mom, daughter, sister, friend, business owner, homeowner, teacher, mentor, aunt, cousin, electrician, plumber, landscaper, builder, contractor, banker, pet owner, entertainer… I just can’t always recognize how I show up. But I see it in her. I remember with my son, I explored the thing of single parenting trying to defeat the odds and lean into the principles handed down to me from my grandmother and mother. I knew if I was going to be this single mother, I must perfect it. Whatever perfection was at the time, I know I tried. And still, I felt empty. Even though that son of mine is a beautiful soul, amazingly beautiful through all our trials.

And then it’s her.

When I was expecting her, there was a wave of embarrassment, not the same as single parenting at 22, but more of, “You got this far…now almost 35…Are you really going to do this again? That single-parent thing?” I was so disappointed in me.

But I knew with this one, I needed her. I felt it in my spirit — not having her was not an option. And understand, I have explored my options in the past. But something about her. I remember saying to myself, for the first time ever, well… At this time in my life, I must commit to her. I can’t keep running away from what I created willingly.

I wanted to walk in my power without fear. I knew something great was in me, but I couldn’t name it at that time.

When my purpose was born, she came out so independent and strong. It was amazing, she waited for no one. It was as if she had something to prove to me. As if she was telling me in her own way, “You gave birth to me for a purpose, and you need to have faith.”

She ran then walked, screamed then talked, climbed then crawled and it never slowed down. Her ability to make things move and be bold was astonishing. Sometimes I was frightened of her independence and aptitude. She embraced the dark. I truly mean it, she physically would play and run in the dark without fear. She needed no light to see her own strength. She was all the light needed.

And still… I couldn’t understand why her.

She showed me love through how she loved herself. She would dress herself in bold colors, embrace her natural hair, and love her skin. I was always amazed at the way she would stare at herself in the mirror. She made sure her bedroom always had a mirror so she would never miss any moments of her own growth. She inspired me.

I knew I could not let her down. How can I have such a powerful being look at me with disappointment? I know that feeling. She gave me permission to dream. I would get lost in my imagination and dreams. And I am grateful to her.

I remember 15 years ago feeling this growing power in me — the things I no longer wanted to face. I was determined that this time, I would take the lead in my life.

I am a firm believer in love for self. I create work through the words of bell hooks and Audre Lorde, evoking the erotic power and self-indulgence of self-love. And yet, I needed to see it in her to access it for myself.

All because I did not realize that I tried.

Understand that she just did. Her tries were her curiosities, boldness, relentlessness, fearlessness, creativity, messiness, carefreeness, and brightness.

People today may view me as if I woke up like this. Not at all, this has been 15 years and more in the making. It took me witnessing her, seeing all of her.

I am learning to look in the mirror again. Because there was a time I avoided it.

I welcome and embrace the struggles, the hardships, and the chaos because I tried. And today, I no longer have to say “this too shall pass," but “it has passed." I see my own strength and beauty. And I can tell myself how much I love me, and remind myself those trials created the greatness in me.

I needed to witness her, so I could see me and know that I tried. To all my humans, I welcome you to witness too.

To my daughter, Nia Imani

Thank you, my love. Mom couldn’t do this without you. You reminded me of my purpose.